Mayhem and Messaging
by aluminumfoil
Summary: What starts as an innocent chat conversation ends in mayhem. Rose really should learn to keep her computer off when the Doctor is involved. IDK, I'm bad at summaries, but that's the basic jist of it.
1. The Pudding Incident

Hello. First story on here. Hope you find it as funny as I did when writing it!

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Rose was doing paperwork when her computer pinged at her. At first, she ignored it; that only meant another email, and she didn't want to hold yet another coworker's hand as they asked what this thing did and why that levitated when it was _obviously _supposed to hover. As if there was a distinction between two. Part of her thought the tech geeks in R&D just wanted to see if all her hair could be pulled out by the end of the month. The way things looked, they might just succeed.

Still, curiosity got the better of her. When she saw the little bubble patiently waiting to be viewed, however, she smiled.

_theDoctor has logged on_

She shook her head at his user; couldn't he have come up with a better name? He had been thinking up ideas for three weeks now, surely there were better ideas. Still, it was better than BigBananaMan. She hadn't stopped laughing every time that popped up.

Might as well talk, she thought. There really wasn't anything better to do.

BadWolf910: Hey.

theDoctor: Rose! Where are you?

BadWolf910: Office. Why?

theDoctor: Can you come down? My lab assistant is gone again, and I can't find him.

She rolled her eyes. Jeremy had only been there three days, and it was only three in the afternoon.

BadWolf910: Sure you didn't scare him off?

theDoctor: Of course not! Why would you think that?

Rose could only imagine the faux indignant look he would have. She snorted, and typed her reply.

BadWolf910: You scared off the others.

theDoctor: I've only had three.

BadWolf910: Three dozen.

theDoctor: Not the point. I don't scare them off.

BadWolf910: Louise.

theDoctor: Ok. That was once. Once! And no one told me she was terrified of lobsters!

BadWolf910: No one expected you to have a room full of them, either!

theDoctor: I was asked to do a study of them!

BadWolf910: In the ocean!

theDoctor: Well, I needed all areas of data! Including lab environments!

BadWolf910: Then you should have put them in cages.

theDoctor: Well, if she hadn't screamed so loudly, they wouldn't have attacked her, would they? Not my fault she initiated their fight-or-flight response and they chose fight.

BadWolf910: You just don't think things through.

theDoctor: I'm a genius, of course I think things through. Sometimes, they just get… cluttered… and I let them slide. But! I do think about them.

BadWolf910: Fine. If he doesn't come back in five minutes I'll be down there. But no lying!

theDoctor: But I need help now. Otherwise I would have waited for Jeremy.

BadWolf910: Five minutes. I have work too, you know.

theDoctor: Fine. See in you five minutes.

Rose sighed, shaking her head in fond exasperation. It had been…. Interesting, to say the least, on getting the Doctor to work with her at Torchwood when he was stranded here with her. Pete had been happy to have him, but it had taken four weeks, more banana smoothies than Rose could stomach (she had thrown up, a lot), two trips to the sporting goods store, and a constant three days of nagging (that had made her feel a lot like her mother, and Rose still had nightmares about it) before he had finally given in and signed up. Now he had his private lab, a constant parade of assistants who couldn't stomach working with him, and a penchant for getting in trouble.

Well, the last trait Rose shared. But, being in charge of coordinating her various field teams, she simply didn't have time to babysit the Doctor. It didn't mean he didn't find excuses to see her, though.

theDoctor: Five minutes. He's not back.

BadWolf910: Alright, alright! I'm heading down. See you in three.

Hastily, Rose finished up her paperwork, signed on the dotted line, and as she breezed past her secretary (she had a secretary! A real live secretary! The Doctor had been thrilled when he found that out, and wouldn't stop yammering about it for four whole days) Rose told her she'd be gone for an indeterminate time, and to forward all crucial calls to her cell and make excuses for all others. Betty nodded absently, already used to her boss's strange behavior.

When Rose reached the lab's floor, the first thing she was aware of was the smell of chocolate. Three hallways down, she reached what looked like an overflow of chocolate pudding.

The Doctor himself was covered in it, and while normally this would have led to a variety of delicious and sexy ideas tumbling through her brain (and their bed), she was too busy gaping.

"Er… remember that Thrixian Multiplier that was found last week? I, er, fixed it."

Rose continued to stare.

"And, er, Jeremy may or may not have run off at the time it malfunctioned…. He may or may not be allergic to chocolate, and really, it works better than ever! After all, there may be a giant Hiodfndsintsa one day who can only eat chocolate pudding, and we'd be doing it a service! Stopping world hunger! Children love chocolate pudding, and we just made enough to feed a village! Well, it'd have to be sterilized, and that might ruin the flavor, but! We, er, have it, at least… Rose? Why are you staring at me like that?"

She replied, "I'm calling maintenance, and you can be in charge of finding your new assistant."

"But Rose!" He whined. "I don't have time for interviews! All those ASBOS being thrown about… you know I can't stand listening to dry-headed idiots listing all their achievements and awards and… Rose? Rose! Help! I think I might be stuck!"

Rose didn't hear him, already searching for the cleanup crew. He could do the paperwork this time.

And, she thought, she was going straight home to throw away every chocolate pudding container they owned.

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Please please please please please Please please please please please Please please please please please Please please please please please Please please please please please Please please please please please review!


	2. Gossip vs Truth

SECOND CHAPTER.

I'm on a roll~

Mostly just an excuse for Rose/Doctor snogging. Messaging mischief will resume next chapter, with a special guest star!

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Sometimes, Rose wished the Doctor acted like a normal boyfriend.

She could forgive him for forgetting holidays, because in Pete's world several of the dates had changed; Valentine's was in April, St. Patrick's Day in October, and Halloween in January. Hanukkah, being the main holiday since the Jewish religion was predominant, took the place of Christmas; Catholicism and the various religions branching off of it was practiced even less than Buddhism and Taoism. Jackie still put up a tree and passed out presents on Christmas Eve, but she took to Jewish tradition with ease. Rose participated, but mostly went through the motions. Like the Doctor, she didn't believe in any one religion, but that didn't stop either of them enjoying the eight days of celebration instead of their typical one.

But when it came down to little things- taking her out on dates, buying her gifts, cuddling, and just acting like a typical couple, things ended up going sideways.

To the Doctor, dates consisted of them getting involved in alien plots, which meant crawling through sewage tunnels or climbing trees or racing down downtown London like madmen, regardless of her outfit and the state of her dress and shoes afterwards. Gifts were various bits and bobs of alien technology the Doctor found and restored and wanted to show off to her, and the task of building his own sonic screwdriver, which was easier said than done. He couldn't sit still long enough for a decent cuddle, and while they held hands, snogged, argued, teased, and shagged like bunnies whenever they were at home, work was completely different. There weren't any fraternization rules at Torchwood, and while they saw each other several times a day, he didn't so much as even attempt at sneaking off for a tryst in a janitor's closet or snogging around the corner from the vending machines. In fact, he kept all bodily contact with her to a bare minimum.

It was no surprise to Rose that, while everyone knew that she and the Doctor were an item, they didn't _know_ it.

"He's so good-lookin'," one of the receptionists sighed one day when Rose was lurking by the water cooler, trying to catch Jake and quiz him on men's intellect. Seeing as how the Doctor had just waltzed by a moment ago, heading to Archives to 'borrow' another bit of tech, Rose didn't need to fill in the blanks.

"I bet he's great in the sack," her neighbor giggled. "And his voice- god, I could have fantasies to that voice."

So could Rose- had several, in fact.

"Hannah's weddin' is next week, and I heard he's invited. Think I can get 'im to go home with me?" The first wondered, and Rose's hackles instantly raised.

The second girl tittered. "You'd have to go through three-quarters of Torchwood's female population, Jeanie. Besides, he and Miss Tyler live together."

First girl sniffed. "Maybe, but it's not like they act like it. They're friends, is all; I can spot a couple fifty yards away, and they are definitely not together like_ that_."

"Girl, have you seen the way they look at each other? Their moon eyes make me sick."

"So? Unresolved sexual tension. She likes 'im, he likes her and every other girl here. I heard him flirtin' with that one girl in R&D, what's her name? The quiet one, Tosh-something? If I hadn't interrupted, they would've been making out soon, I swear. And last week, he had Mrs. Hitticker gigglin' like a schoolgirl, and she's, like, eighty years old."

Her friend paused for a moment. "Now that you mention it, I haven't even seen so much as a picture of them in the tabloids…"

"See? They may be roommates, but they ain't together. Now, what should I wear for Hannah's weddin'? I saw this gorgeous backless dress the other day at Henrick's, and I was thinkin'…"

Rose, unable to stomach the conversation, turned and stalked back to her office. Immediately, she sent Jake a message.

BadWolf910: JAKE! Get on!

_Preacher3 has logged on_

Preacher3: Rose! What's up?

Badwolf910: Is the Doctor cheating on me?

Preacher3: WHAT?

BadWolf910: I heard the receptionists gossiping, and they heard him flirting with everyone, and one said he was going to snog some girl in R&D. He doesn't even flirt with me, Jake, not at work. He doesn't even touch me at work. What the hell am I supposed to think?

Preacher3: Um, maybe he doesn't want to crowd you?

BadWolf910: Jake, this is the Doctor. He has no concept of personal space.

Preacher3: Oh. Yeah. But you know the receptionists are like, Rose. You can't trust them.

BadWolf910: Just because Lacey from floor 3 dumped you doesn't mean they all will

Preacher3: No, it's not about Lacey; besides, that was 2 yrs ago! What I mean is, they have nothing better to do than answer phones and make up stories to impress their fellow receptionists. Remember they started that rumor about Victor was sweet on that weapons and testing girl, and it turned out he was actually shagging that dude from accounting?

BadWolf910: But he and that weapons girl were pretending to date to cover up his being gay, Jake. Every story comes from somewhere, and she said she saw it with her own eyes and everything!

Preacher3: Listen, I'll talk to him. I have to get that perception filter back from him anyway; R&D has been bugging me like mad for it.

BadWolf910: Yeah, me too. Thanks Jake.

Preacher3: Any time.

_Preacher3 has logged off_

Rose buried her face in her hands with a half-hidden sob.

Thirty minutes later, when Rose had finally composed herself and was answering emails, the Doctor burst through the door, wild-eyed and breathing heavily.

Alarmed, Rose sat up. "What's wrong?" She asked, hurriedly sliding her shoes on and attempting to get around her desk without tripping over her desk. "Another invasion?"

"You…" he paused, took a deep breath. "You think I'm _cheating_ on you?"

His voice was loud enough to be heard halfway down the hall, and with him leaving the door open, the echo might carry it further. Rose crossed her arms, hunching in on herself. "Well, yeah. I mean, you don't even flirt with me, and when we're at the flat it's mostly just 'let's go shag now, k?' You don't even hold my hand here! And god forbid we go on dates, you act like it's the end of the world or something, and I _know _you paid off the Gr'difon'thorla's last week to cause that traffic jam, and don't even get me started on the giant fish-lizard thing the time before that! Harry's team was three blocks away, but noooo, you had to cancel the dinner appointment I've been looking forward to for _months_ so we could go traispsing about in the sewers, and we didn't even find the thing anyway; Harry had to call in a search and rescue team because you got lost! I ruined my favorite pair of shoes. Not to mention the fact that you bought every single one of the females in your division presents for their birthdays, but you can't even bother to remember when I ask you to pick up bread on the way home, let alone buy me a present for my sodding birthday! Instead you decided that blowing up dad's zeppelin was a good alternative, and-mmph!"

The Doctor, having grown increasingly quiet and still as she yelled at him, finally launched himself across the room and planted his mouth on hers, capturing her lips in a bruising kiss that instantly made her weak-kneed. Clutching at her desperately, they practically crashed into her bookshelf, knocking over several knick-knacks and making a silver orb-like gizmo that had been a gift from an off-world ambassador bounce and roll its way across the floor until it stopped by the potted fern in the corner of the room. The fern then glowed bright blue for a moment before resuming its natural coloring, but the room's other inhabitants were too busy pawing at each other to notice.

When they finally surfaced, the Doctor panted, raggedly, in her ear, "Do you have any idea how hard it was to resist doing that every moment of the day?"

"Why did you?" she gasped.

He nuzzled her neck, his hair tickling her cheek. "You have a reputation here, Rose, colleagues and co-workers and bosses who admire and respect you. The first day here, all I heard was how responsible, how dedicated, you were, and I didn't want to ruin that."

Rose let out a breathless laugh. "You think having a less-than platonic relationship at work will ruin that?"

"Well, that, and Pete warned me in no uncertain terms that I was not to defile you under his roof. Since he is the head of Torchwood, I didn't dare risk it, otherwise he'd have bodily harm come to me."

"You were still flirting with other girls, Doctor, and that doesn't explain why you can't bring me out on a proper date."

He groaned, taking a step away from her and tugging at his hair. "Rose, you know I'm not good at domestic! I spent 900 years of my life avoiding that very thing; even when I had a family on Gallifrey the idea of family was completely different! The marriage was arranged, and the kids were taken care of in a nursery under complete strangers. I didn't even meet them until they were eight, and all I could say was something along the lines of 'good luck at looking at the Untempered Schism, hopefully you won't go made or run off like your father, eh?'. This… this whole life is completely out of my depth! It's only been a year since I was brought into being, and that's still not enough time to get used to this stunted human body. I have cravings and hormones and I actually have to sleep now, and all I am completely sure of is how much I love you, how much I very much love you with every fibre of my being, and I would broadcast it throughout the whole _building_ if I could, and I would never, ever flirt with anyone, I was just being nice, and-"

This time, it was Rose who interrupted him with a kiss.

When they came up for air, a sly smile crept across her face. "He said you couldn't defile me, correct?"

Puzzled, he looked at her. "Yes."

"Well then, there's no rule for _me _defiling _you_."

He blinked at her, and then a wide grin spread across his face. "Oh, yes!"

After that, Pete had to invest in creating better sound-proofing technology. He wasn't amused when the Doctor pointed out that he should be given some of the money for the success, since it was he who inspired it, after all.

Rose also made sure that, when Hannah's wedding came around, she snogged the Doctor in front of Jeanie the receptionist at every given opportunity, and wore an even prettier style of the same dress she had on. And when it came time to go home, Rose walked out proudly on the Doctor's arm, knowing that for him, there never was any other option.

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Review, or I'll feed you to the Family.


	3. Sparring

Sorry for the wait, i thought I had put this up already!

* * *

Preacher3: Hello? Anyone there?

_theDoctor has logged on_.

theDoctor: Rose? Rose? You there?

Preacher3: Hey Doctor. She's with the new recruits; her day to teach

theDoctor: What's she teaching?

Preacher3: Karate, today. If you hurry, you might get there to see her go against God's gift to women, or G2W, as we call him.

_FloridaBusty has logged on_

theDoctor: …. G2W?

Preacher3: He's some big hot-shot athletic star, just graduated from Cambridge. He thinks all the female employees are his to ask out, and is practically Adonis to a lot of them. Rose is less than impressed, but he's made it his mission to get her out on a date, if not get her in the sack.

theDoctor: I'll be right back.

_theDoctor has logged off_

FloridaBusty: Hey Jake! :) Talking about Tyler, are we?

Preacher3: Hey C. :-D Which one?

FloridaBusty: First name Tyler

Preacher3: Yeah, the Doctor just took off to 'supervise' his training session with Rose.

FloridaBusty: Saw that, lol. You should have told him not to bother.

Preacher3: I like to make him squirm

FloridaBusty: So, you were the one responsible for that lover's spat last week?

Preacher3: Well…. I wouldn't want to brag…

FloridaBusty: LOL. Too bad you can't solve your own love life as easily ;)

Preacher3: All you have to do is say yes ;)

FloridaBusty: And lose all attraction as a single lady? Nah, I like playing around. :P

Preacher3: Who said we'd have to do anything but play? :P

FloridaBusty: You charmer, you. Closet around the corner from my office?

Preacher3: Anything for you, sweetheart.

_Preacher3 has logged off_

_FloridaBusty has logged off_

Rose had just started their first karate lesson when the Doctor entered, trying to act invisible but failing greatly. The new recruits, still not comfortable at Torchwood yet, all craned their heads to see who had entered; several of the females' eyes widened and immediately began to giggle to each other, while the guys returned to Rose's speech with bored indifference.

It wasn't hard to pick out the one Jake had referred to; he was front and center, surrounded by three girls, and making eyes at Rose as she blatantly ignored him. The Doctor watched in fascination as his face contorted into all sorts of strange poses, and what was supposed to be seductive was like a grimace of pain.

"Alright, I need a volunteer," Rose said. Immediately, the boy's hand shot up, and Rose cocked her head before turning to look at the Doctor. A smile crossed her face, and he saw the mischievous sparkle in here eyes. "Oh, Doctor, there you are. Come to get a first look at the newbies?"

Grinning at her, he sauntered over, hands in his pockets. "Depends. I'm still in need of lab assistant, so unless they can tell me the difference between a Hypernion boiler and Theeeelisnan Electron Inducer Ray, I'm going to have to pass. Karate lesson, I'm assuming?"

"Yep. Just a basic overview of what they're required to learn by the time training is over. Since Gerry stepped out for a bit, want to be my sparring partner?"

He rocked back on his heels, pretending to consider. "Weeeeell, I'm more of an aikido man myself, but anything to help out with training." Swiftly, he removed his tie, jacket, socks, shoes, and glasses, then turned to the recruits. "Circle 'round. You all need to see this."

As he and Rose moved to the center of the mats, the group obligingly collected in a loose circle around them. Taking a moment to stretch, the Doctor grinned at Rose. "Right. When shall we start?"

Rose let loose a flurry of attacks, which he easily blocked and dodged, respectively. As she went, Rose explained the various basic points of Karate, and the philosophical side of it as well. The Doctor could tell she wasn't trying very hard- was sticking to basic moves, in fact- and decided to really put on a show.

He stopped, giving the Torchwood field agent hand sign for 'surrender'; Rose paused at once, and he smirked at her. Reading his challenge, Rose gave a wolfish grin in reply. "Right, class. That's enough of the basics. _This_ is what you really need to know by the end."

She moved so quickly he almost didn't block it; by the collective gasp from the crowd, they hadn't realized that he and Rose had been holding back. They spun, kicked, blocked, and punched in a dance that they only knew the moves to, anticipating the moves before it happened and acting accordingly. It had been years- centuries, really- since the Doctor had really used his skill from his third body, but he was pleased to see that he hadn't forgotten them. That didn't mean it was easy- he still had to use every ounce of concentration to parry Rose's attacks and search for an opening in her defenses- but it did take a weight off his mind that he didn't have to think about which motion to carry out; he simply did it naturally.

At some point Gerry had returned, and had teasingly started a betting ring; Rose's supporters on one side, the Doctor's on the other. Most had gathered on Rose's, but some Torchwood agents that had come to watch the lesson moved to support the Doctor with a few of the recruits.

The Doctor and Rose were getting almost lazy in their desire to win when Rose's admirer said, in a voice meant to carry, "I'd like to get her on her back."

He was looking straight at them; it was no contest on who he was referring to. The Doctor quirked an eyebrow, and she tilted her head; _you or me?_ She asked with her eyes.

The Doctor purposefully let his guard down, and in seconds, he was pinned beneath her.

A smattering of applause rang out, and he beamed up at her. "Can't say I don't enjoy the view," he teased, and Rose blushed from more than the sparring.

"I remember you enjoyed it more than enough last night," she purred, and he laughed delightedly before taking advantage of their position and giving her a quick kiss. Rose giggled, and then helped him to his feet. "You let me win, so I'd demand a rematch, but owing me dinner seems like a nice substitute." She hadn't yet let go of his hand, and swung it between them playfully.

Grinning at her like a besotted idiot (he was, but that's beside the point), he said, "I cook, we're even?"

"Deal." She kissed him, then, and turned back to the gaping recruits. "I don't expect you to be ready to face me, or even the Doctor, and win any time soon, but you need to at least hold your own against each other by the time training is over. Depending on which branch you progess to, further martial arts training might be required…"

Rose continued her lesson as the Doctor strolled over to the sidelines, suppressing a smirk at G2W's sour expression.

When Rose laid him flat on his arse not two minutes into the lesson after he attempted a grope on the sly, the Doctor knew that the message had been made clear: Rose Tyler was off limits to anyone but the Doctor.

It didn't stop him from rubbing that fact in, though. If anyone noticed the Doctor's sudden interest in all things martial arts training, they didn't comment; even when he and Rose stayed locked together on the floor for longer than strictly necessary.

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Please review. They are my bread, milk and eggs, so if you don't review, I might just die a terrible death by starvation... and no one wants that, now do they? ;)


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